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Lewis Carroll

"To me it seems that to give happiness is a far nobler goal that to attain it: and that what we exist for is much more a matter of relations to others than a matter of individual progress: much more a matter of helping others to heaven than of getting there ourselves."
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Up in the valley, came then upon the waters.

Friday, November 12, 2010

of course

nothing I say isn't able to change
the world is as it is and thus my circumstance,
but at the change of circumstance which is based largely on perception
my behavior, which may be part of YOUR circumstance, may,
according to other changes of the mind change as well

Tuesday, November 09, 2010


For as long as I remember, I've been trying to better myself.
When I was younger it was due to religious values.

After, and not too long before that whole stage of my life was completed, it seemed to be for apparent loves and obsessions that I sought to improve myself.

Now it seems as if there needs to be a new motivation where there hasn't been for a short time now. Have I lost hope? I don't feel as if there are any strong urges anymore. My passion has diminished to simple anger and other petty emotions.

I used to be manic about my ideas of the Society of Love and "taking over the world". Now I have to be caffeinated just to revive feelings that I haven't felt in some time. Then, when thinking about such solutions to the adversaries of all my hopes and dreams in the Gold Promise and such I feel defeated because I don't know what I should be doing and I don't know if it's my fault, or my time simply hasn't come yet.

It seems as if I vow to do something, to make myself better in any way, I'll be doing less than I am.
Now this may just be a justification to be more of a bum than I am and feel more important about it.
Or maybe that's what this world needs, To simply stop what it's doing and reconsider what life means.

I love my son, that's automatic, and the name lover simply says it, my love for the bearer of my child is fully present and unrelenting regardless of my negative responses to neutral actions.

I say this again because it's true. I want this to be fully understood because although I mean this indefinitely, society may say the opposite as being true since it might seem irresponsible that I don't follow the mold of being the sole provider for my child financially even though I am still with my love and we'll still be a family come February. 

There are reasons for the lack of desire to obtain a 'job' and they should mean something due to the fact that I am the one who dictates my life and it's meanings and not anyone else in this world of human kind.

Reason 1: My main passion recently has been a somewhat "mental fallacy". As I said earlier it has been degraded to "anger and other petty emotions".It seems to me that I should be raising Killian and fully providing for my family and though it is my fault that this is not true, I still somewhat loathe other attempts to claim Amanda's and Killian's future dependence. The attempts, I believe, are less now but simply because I have failed to show proof that I will be my family's sole dependee. And so at the present time, when those who hold Amanda's dependence attempt to persuade me to become employed at the new grocery store or at some clothes department it only goes to show that I have given up at least for now to give a job because "I got a son now". If the time ever comes that Killian is no longer dependent of the Ferreira family, I would gladly step up and get a blue collar job or provide in any way to make up the expense for him.

Reason 2: The emphasis on "blue collar job" might or might not be apparent in the last reason. Secondly, I would like to state that I believe my life and time is more valuable than a blue collar job. My dignity doesn't settle with fast food and the blue collar pleasure of this society that I have many times called corrupt. To satisfy a mindless job would be to me, giving in to the pleasures of the system, pleasures that I would not like to support. The main point is, I feel as if there are more important things to life than working at dead end towards some monetary luxury.

Reason 3:  So in a sense, I'm a conscientious objector. There's many little philosophical inquiries that I somehow use to justify my lack of desire to work and it may just be the sloth in me, but I find some validity to them. 

So now all that's left is the thought of bettering myself as the bum I am. What message can I get across protesting the status quo of money money money? How can I be a living example as to what I value? And even a better question would be is the question of, What do I want for the world.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Everyone values something most in life.
I like to value my relationship with Amanda Jane Nelson.
I would like to value my relationship with Killian Rafe Pacheco.
I like to value my relationships with my friends, but a lot of the time they have other occupations.
It's just the way of life;
I would like to value my relationships with my family more, but my occupation with Amanda Jane is a little over powering, but I guess that's the way my life is. I enjoy the time I spend with her more than anything else.
Of course, I have other occupations, but I like to know that I can turn to Amanda most of the time and most of the time she could solve the deep problems that upset my soul.
Though, no relationship is perfect and I can't be ultimately satisfied with anyone or anything in itself purely, it's just the fact that I am indeed in love that makes her my utmost value.
Secondly, I value the Society of Love, something that has indeed been pushed to second place only to assure it's own values by allowing my love affections to exist. For where would we be without love? And my relationship with Amanda is a good example of what it means to be of the Society of Love.
I refuse to mesh into many workings of this society solely for that reason.
I've seen what this society does to people and their relationships.
And I've seen what relationships do to people.
It's only when conceit and narcissism and egotism take over that relationships fail.
And I guess that's why society fails as well.
Shame, shame to these aspects of human nature that occupy others to resentment and hate.
But maybe it's simply an addictive nature in me that creates my love for Amanda, but who says that's so bad after all? I'm sure there's much worse things to be addicted to.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


I'm such a woman.
But it's too bad I'm a man.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


The future, what an odd concept. I stands for what is to come.
So what is to come for us all and how much control do we have over it?
In an attempt to control what comes I have desired many things.
So now, almost continuing those desires I've had in the past, I will recommit to some goals I made for myself when I was still even Christian.
I want to be in control of my emotions. I don't know how in control of them I am now, but I know I can be much more potent in that area. I've heard of this concept called ego death.
In thus doing the above, I also want to control my urges better, and set more real priorities.
I'll tell you how things go, whoever you are, however it happens.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

the Cost of Living

Some call it a paradox that the luxury of a diamond, which is unnecessary to our survival
costs much, much more than water, which sustains our very life,
but I say the opposite. It is not a paradox that a diamond is worth more than water.
Money itself is not necessary to our being, our survival.
Money is a superfluity, an excess, a product of our boredom and creativity.
And money is not life, it is used to buy a rock that we call luxury
it is used to numb our brains with pleasures of all kinds,
it is used to distract us from the horrible realities around us
and to fill ourselves with needless other problems
and it should not be meant to maintain our very lives,
or the lives of others, lest it be sin.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Who have I become?

I was wondering this last weekend.
I've changed a lot in the last four or so years of my existence.
And yet, as if nothing's happened at all, I'm still the same.
So now, the blue sky is rolling away once again, and I'm still wondering what'll happen
what I'll do and how it'll turn out
but I sit in a pool of my own contentedness

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Some Life II

Oh man! It's been so long!
So much has been going on, with me and I'm completely sure with all of you as well.
This girl has been taking a lot of my time up
But it's okay, because I love her.
So many new experiences have come my way, and if I were to blog everything that I wanted to share, I would have no room in my life to experience anything else.
Life is good.
Life is bad.
Life is everything, and nothing at all.
But I enjoy it. The present we should all enjoy.
So what if we all die?
So what is you believe there's something more after death?
It really doesn't matter, you should enjoy what you have now.

Anyways, I have this new outlook on life...that just means I'm a little less sane...and I guess the best way to express it would be through a story. So if I have enough time tonight, which I probably will, I'll get to writing.

I'm sorry for not keeping up on blogging, but oh well, guys have your own lives to attend to anyways.

As for your comments that I am way past due in replying to, well I'll adress them now. Skip ahead to your name, or you could be nosy and read my other replies as well. This is the first time I've done this, so I'm sorry if there's something wrong with it, haha...

as for a more immediate connection to me
my facebook
my myspace
my email

Comment Reply:
It's fine if you don't know how to write effecient comments, as long as you leave one, haha... and thanks for liking my concepts

Yeah, I agree with a lot of their values as well...oh yeah? you were in the choir too? haha

Thank you for appreciating what I have to say... I wish I had more time to get to know your blog a little better, maybe I will sometime in the future; who knows what it has planned for us?

amanda jay
Thanks, it did take some guts after lying for so long, haha. So what do I believe in instead of the Bible? Well the world is my Bible. What I see, hear, touch, smell, and feel. What I think and imagine. The conclusions that I draw and the observations from which they are concluded; now that is my Bible.

love struckk
that's right. some things are meant to be grown out of. thanks for agreeing, haha

Mahayana Mind
I agree with what you have to say about Karma! You must have read what I wrote wrong. See, it's more about the mindset of superstition rather than the superstition itself. It's good to hear from you Terrance, even though I've dissappeared myself.

I understand your reasoning to not revealing your beliefs. My family took it quite well I believe. And yes, perspective is very important in all my days

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Life is all about perspective
The glass is half empty, half full
Optimism, pessimism

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade
the grass is always greener on the other side

even karma
what goes around, comes around
well it's all a play on perspective

if I do good, good will come to me
that belief, that faith
if it's kept, then hope will form
and when that hope is kept, even when bad does come your way, as long as you don't abandon your belief, you'll do good and that good will cause a hope...a hope that is good
but, when that hope is broken, and you do bad,
well when bad does come, then you'll be able to blame it on your mistake
and that mistake was made from a lack of hope

Sunday, February 14, 2010

the truth: religion

I've hinted on here numerous times, things that were somewhat against what the Bible says, but I've never came out and have boldly said it. Well, for all those that haven't already heard, here's another chance for you to hear it.

Last Friday I told my mother and the same day she told my father.

I didn't go to church Sunday and didn't go to choir Thursday. Not too long ago I sent an email to the church choir director telling her of my resignation and I won't be at youth tonight.

Now I don't have much against religion, but I'm tired of keeping up this facade, this lie. It's been 1 and a half years now, since August 2008 that I stopped believing. I just never had the guts to reveal the truth.

There are reasons why I'm telling the truth now, and there are reasons why I stopped believing more than a year ago. I'll get into these, later.


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Well it's January

And do you remember pandiculation?
I'll tell you what...I did some of that this morning, haha..
Heck, I find myself doing that throughout all the parts of the day.

Anyways, life is changing once again and this time I don't think it will deccelerate like before, I think we're all in it for the race now. Who knows when I'll get a break next, and maybe I will soon, but I've been running pretty hard lately. Well whatever happens, life is good. We all just gotta remember that.

January was good and now it must leave.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

You love

your life....or I would hope so
because I sure love mine.
and I wish I could spill out all my secrets for you
and I wish you could see my life like I do
but too bad it's not that way
because you have yours and I have mine
and if you love yours in any way,
mine is guaranteed to offend you in some fashion
but that won't ever stop my love, and hopefully yours
for the greatness of life itself

Saturday, January 09, 2010

I Love

My hair, maybe it's not the best thing in the world.
Maybe it can get pretty crazy.
But in the end, when someone asks me when I'm gonna cut it,
I just think to myself how much I wouldn't want to.
I never did like cutting it, so boring...
Sure, I can't eat if it's down;
Sure, it requires a little maintenance.
Sure, girls are the ones that are supposed to have it long,
but, it's worth it 100%
So exhilarating.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Taking Down the Christmas Tree

Three things that the world needs.




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