Better

For as long as I remember, I've been trying to better myself.

When I was younger it was due to religious values.

After, and not too long before that whole stage of my life was completed, it seemed to be for apparent loves and obsessions that I sought to improve myself.

Now it seems as if there needs to be a new motivation where there hasn't been for a short time now. Have I lost hope? I don't feel as if there are any strong urges anymore. My passion has diminished to simple anger and other petty emotions.

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I used to be manic about my ideas of the Society of Love and "taking over the world". Now I have to be caffeinated just to revive feelings that I haven't felt in some time. Then, when thinking about such solutions to the adversaries of all my hopes and dreams in the Gold Promise and such I feel defeated because I don't know what I should be doing and I don't know if it's my fault, or my time simply hasn't come yet.

It seems as if I vow to do something, to make myself better in any way, I'll be doing less than I am.

Now this may just be a justification to be more of a bum than I am and feel more important about it.

Or maybe that's what this world needs, To simply stop what it's doing and reconsider what life means.

I love my son, that's automatic, and the name lover simply says it, my love for the bearer of my child is fully present and unrelenting regardless of my negative responses to neutral actions.

I say this again because it's true. I want this to be fully understood because although I mean this indefinitely, society may say the opposite as being true since it might seem irresponsible that I don't follow the mold of being the sole provider for my child financially even though I am still with my love and we'll still be a family come February. 

There are reasons for the lack of desire to obtain a 'job' and they should mean something due to the fact that I am the one who dictates my life and it's meanings and not anyone else in this world of human kind.

Reason 1: My main passion recently has been a somewhat "mental fallacy". As I said earlier it has been degraded to "anger and other petty emotions".It seems to me that I should be raising Killian and fully providing for my family and though it is my fault that this is not true, I still somewhat loathe other attempts to claim Amanda's and Killian's future dependence. The attempts, I believe, are less now but simply because I have failed to show proof that I will be my family's sole dependee. And so at the present time, when those who hold Amanda's dependence attempt to persuade me to become employed at the new grocery store or at some clothes department it only goes to show that I have given up at least for now to give a job because "I got a son now". If the time ever comes that Killian is no longer dependent of the Ferreira family, I would gladly step up and get a blue collar job or provide in any way to make up the expense for him.

Reason 2: The emphasis on "blue collar job" might or might not be apparent in the last reason. Secondly, I would like to state that I believe my life and time is more valuable than a blue collar job. My dignity doesn't settle with fast food and the blue collar pleasure of this society that I have many times called corrupt. To satisfy a mindless job would be to me, giving in to the pleasures of the system, pleasures that I would not like to support. The main point is, I feel as if there are more important things to life than working at dead end towards some monetary luxury.


Reason 3:  So in a sense, I'm a conscientious objector. There's many little philosophical inquiries that I somehow use to justify my lack of desire to work and it may just be the sloth in me, but I find some validity to them. 

So now all that's left is the thought of bettering myself as the bum I am. What message can I get across protesting the status quo of money money money? How can I be a living example as to what I value? And even a better question would be is the question of, What do I want for the world.