Self

I've lost my identity, even for just a moment
we all do at times, but that's not the issue
I feel guilt, but that's not the issue either
Having nothing to do is the cause of the problem
nothing that leads to my self fulfillment
focusing on the little things of life only works for a season
I just wish it was that easy,
to be wanted, needed instead of handed around
dead weight, dead beat
when will I toil for the sake of humanity?

Resolve

Why upset the balance of things when the balance is already set?
I am manic and with mania comes panic, but I am easy going.
So why upset the balance when things balance themselves?
People will believe what they want to believe.
So I am worthless, it is so.
I am full of worth, it is so.

When the balance is upset around me it only reflects an upset in balance within me.
How long can I uphold this feeling of godliness with this feeling that a rock has?
As long as I am neither, these feelings can last forever.

The Return of Philosopher King

I come to share my perceptions once again.
It is better to see life through the eyes of a pleasant sinner than to write through the eyes of a child.

For what is life lived to the fullest?
life not lived at all.
It is better to throw yourselves to the wolves than to be a wolf,
and better to herd sheep than to fend off wolves, and to be a sheep is incomparable to losing a sheep to the wolves when you can be one.

But why keep your sanity when you can be insane?
Why be insane and lose your sanity?

It's better to accept the evil within you and have a heart of gold.
Better to lose yourself than to only find yourself and only better to find yourself when all is lost.
So what is life not lived at all?
life to the fullest.

Humble divinity rather than divine humility.
Life is death when life is death.
But what do and don't these mean to you?
Only what you make them mean.

Yellow Journalism

The truth is, there's been many lies.

Starting off, Amanda and I:

• In total, we've used about 4 or so condoms during our relationship, and trust me it's been a full relationship. At first I thought Amanda couldn't get pregnant because of some passed down problems but I'm glad to be proven wrong since Killian has delighted my soul very, very much so and I would never wish anything less than he.
• I've been more or less (mostly more) driving the Taurus around since Aiden where I truly learned how to drive. The funny thing is I got my first speeding ticket with my permit at 77mph in a 55mph zone. I'm not proud of it, but hey, it was a passing lane.
• I've slept in Amanda's car quite a few times; that wasn't a car light Kristine saw but me on the laptop usin the house's wi-fi. I enjoy nights like that one and I might have to enjoy them again but I think I enjoy sharing the bed with Amanda, even if its just for sleep, much much more. 
• And this is where more lies arise because even though Sharon knows I sleep in the car, Steve and Krystine might not.
• It may not be my business but Amanda's classes are also in check. First she dropped a class in the beginning of the year. Now I don't have a problem with this or with most of the stuff that's attempted to be covered up but Steve might, so Sharon and Amanda hid it from Krystine and he. The funny thing is that Amanda dropped another class at the end of the year and didn't tell her mother (who is Sharon).
• Recently there's been a lot of chaos surrounding where my son will be when he comes from the NICU. The Ferreira household had it in their minds that even Amanda would spend the rest of her time at the house every night but after a chaotic night of postpartum emotions she ended up at the apartment where our relationship began but only after getting her medication for after the surgery from the Ferreira house. This would also not have been much of a problem if Amanda hadn't told her mom that I was alone getting the medication and if Sharon hadn't said to Steven that Amanda and I stopped by in the morning to pick it up rather than coming in the night before and leaving.

God know what else is hidden between them. Call me wrong for exposing these things but they all pertain to me in some way and if lies are wrong then I want what's right.